My man is bipoler. Ons is gelukkig getroud. Regtig gelukkig

Dis nie ‘n grap om met ‘n bipolere maar getroud te wees nie. Dis nou as jy praat uit die oogpunt van die maat sonder ‘n gemoedsteuring EN praat oor ‘n bipolere maat wat NIE hierdie breintoestand bestuur nie – met medikasie rondspeel, in ontkenning bly en nie homself empower deur die tekens te leer ken en sy snellers uit te skakel nie. Dit, se alle logika, moet ‘n resep vir groot ongeluk en baie frustrasie wees.
Maar dit kan anders wees, vertel Michelle Barnes.
Sy is baie gelukkig getroud met haar Jay. Sy glo ‘n huwelik met ‘n bipolere maat het eintlik ekstra voordele. Jy kry immers ‘n hoogs intelligente, interessante en baie ekspressiewe maat wat die lewe met oop senuwees beleef en alles baie intens ervaar. Verveling sal jy nie ken nie.
Hulle bedryf ‘n ondersteunersgroep in Claremont al twaalf jaar lank.
Dis hoe hulle dit uitgewerk gekry het

Counselor Michelle Barnes is married to a bipolar mate.
“Jay is a wonderful, wonderful husband. Every evening when we cuddle while watching TV I absolutely know the small dramas we’ve been through are insignificant in comparison to the much, much joy and love we have. However, we do have rules to help us make our marriage work this well. Here they are:

We have a psychiatrist
We don’t believe in home diagnoses, or in tweaking medication on our own. This job belongs to our psychiatrist. We also keep up an open, close relationship with him. The more we communicate about how Jay is the better he can help us manage.

We focus on the positive
Jay is very intelligent, like all the bipolar people I know. He is expressive, intriguing, spontaneous and considerate, too. I keep the whole picture in mind, which keeps me from focusing overly much on the bipolarity.

I know Jay’s patterns of behavior well and recognize when he is in the grip of an episode
He is one of those bipolars who suffers not from highs and lows but from lows and very lows. His high is still depression, while the highs of other bipolar in general is more like bingeing – drinking episodes, gambling, speeding, intense religious practices, spending sprees, intense periods of promiscuity, high-risk business deals and ventures, and dangerous adventures.

I manage it
Happy relationships do not just happen. They require input. A bipolar relationship requires just a little more guidance.

We talk much about where we are at
The more open and honest we are the more our understanding of each other grow and the more we trust each other

I choose carefully when to talk
It is of no use to have a discussion when a bipolar person is in the grip of an episode. He will simply not take in what you are saying. You have to wait until he has quieted down.

I never blame him
He can really not help his brain condition. I understand and accept this.

We set limits
We both know there will be more episodes but in our relationship bad behavior is not tolerated. Jay trusts me enough to allow me to call him to a halt.

I am pro-active
I don’t wait until Jay gets himself in a fix. As soon as I notice something is up I talk to him in a very soothing tone and get him to a calming environment where there is nothing that can get him worked up any further. I see to it that he gets enough sleep. I do all I can to protect him from himself during an episode (Other bipolars may need stronger interventions, such as withholding money and cards for those who go on sprees or taking car keys away for the time being.)

I know Jay’s triggers
An incident is usually preceded by certain activities and/or warning signs, such as too much excitement and, too little sleep, stress and things like alcohol. We try to keep triggers to a minimum

If things go out of control I keep calm
I don’t shout or fight back and I don’t overreact. I take care to keep my voice down, I tell Jay I can see he is upset and I ask what I can do to help him.

Jay cultivates self-management
Jay has excellent insight into his condition, just like most other bipolars once they are diagnosed and educated about bipolar depression. Most – Jay as well – can with practice manage to handle many of their episodes on their own, if they are made aware of signs early on. When I notice Jay seems to building up to a mood I mention it tactfully. Often this is enough input from me, and he manages his mood himself.

(vertaal vir die Carter Center)

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3 thoughts on “My man is bipoler. Ons is gelukkig getroud. Regtig gelukkig

  1. i have been chatting to a Doctor friend of mine for over a year..we have never met but yet he tells me he loves me and want to have a future with me..The nect moment he will the say worse things you can ever imagine…..silence for a while ..He then comes back through the network and call me the sweetest names ever…He even went as far to tell me to start looking for a house and a car..i did that and gave him the info..Days later he will tell me that he will never marry a woman like me..his one friend however tells me often how crazy he is about me and that he really loves me..im so confused as to what he really wants..he did go through a bad patch in his life..He drinks himself to a standstill everynight he is not working and say the most horrible things to me via mail..next day ,or a day later he will call me again the sweetest names..i did ask him this week via mail why is he scared ..he never picked up the phone once to call me,only voice notes..if he doesnt here from me,he will contact his friend to see what im doing…he even contacted my daughter and made promises to her..i was upset as he broke that promise and pulled her into his world…im trying to figure out what is wrong with him..i need to carry on with my life,but yet he keep saying he loves me..how can you love one u never met…..

    • Kopdolla answers:
      Well, you KNOW you have to carry on with your life.
      What I can’t figure out is why you feel obliged to react to his words of love? Obviously they are not sane/sincere/indicate commitment.
      You have no obligation to love anyone – even if they profess to loving you.
      This is either an ego trip for you, or about the financial promises or about being the local angel / life saver / saint. Taking calls, going to look for cars, keeping this fling alive at any cost is simply self-centred and unhelpful to both of you.

      Is this an ego trip for you?
      You know, at least someone loves you. And he is a DOCTOR.
      Never mind that he is a drunk, a liar, someone you cannot depend on, someone who hurts you carelessly, someone who insults you on a regular base, someone who makes promises that he does not keep, like buying that house and car. Someone who may be too ill to know what he is doing.

      If you are in it for the financial promises – car, house, and all that goes with it – you will be making a bed that you will have to sleep in. It won’t be a happy or comfortable one.
      Girl, you know this is going nowhere.

      Maybe you feel like you want to help him because you are a kind soul? Well, have you ever seen a life saver starting a relationship with someone in order to save him from drowning? The same goes for saints and angels.
      If you really want to help him get him to see a psychiatrist.

      Do right by him and tell him to go see a professional.
      And do right by yourself by breaking this off, so you can move on and become emotionally available to meet someone who deserves the time and attention you are currently investing in this hopeless situation.

  2. 3 Responses to “My man is bipoler. Ons is gelukkig getroud. Regtig gelukkig”
    Lorien
    2011/04/13 at 1:47 nm Edit # Wonderlike en insiggewende artikel, baie dankie.

    Reply Anton
    2011/04/13 at 8:11 vm Edit # Vanmôre het ek my aan ‘n droom wat ek ‘n ruk gelede gehad het, herinner. Ek het dit in daardie tyd op skrif gestel, en alhoewel dit geforseerd klink as ek dit nou lees, is daar tog iets van die kerngedagte wat waar kan wees. Dit wil sê, soos The Rolling Stones in hulle liedjie, Ruby Tuesday, sing: “Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind.”

    Hier volg die oorspronklike Engelse weergawe van die droom wat ek gehad het.

    It happened in a dream about drowning at sea. I was in icy water being tossed about and lashed by huge waves. The skies were held in darkness; and all I could see was occasional flashes of blinding lightning followed by the deafening crashes of thunder. Around me, I could hear the faint cries of other people also trying to shout for help. They couldn’t help me; and I couldn’t help them. No-one answered. No-one came to our recue. My strength started to fade with all hope of survival. I tried to float with the tide and the current to conserve the little energy I had left. Suddenly, my head bashed against the side of a boat. Instinctively, my hand reached up, and I tried to grab hold of the railing on the side of the boat. As the waves kept lashing over my head, I lost my grip and I slipped back under the salty water that burned my eyes and nose. At last, a powerful fisherman’s hand grabbed my arm, and with purposeful tugs dragged me onto the bottom of the boat. Relieved and grateful, I lay there trying to clear my throat and rubbing my eyes. Others’ plaintiff cries were still ringing in my ears and my heart went out to them. Calmly and steadily the fisherman shouted to me above the storm, “lean over the side, and grab those you can reach; and pull them into the boat.” Safely, I fell back and lay against the side of the boat shouting, “are you crazy? I’m not doing that – I’ll fall back into the water and drown!” And he answered assumingly, “I’ll hold onto your one arm and with your other arm you can pull the others into the boat.” So, we did that and as the boat got fuller and fuller I thought to stop as there was standing room only; and the boat would start sinking – we were all going to drown. Again the fisherman shouted assumingly. “This boat was made to hold tons and tons of fish – it can hold many people – carry on until the last one is in the boat.”

    Voordat iemand dink ek het die kluts heeltemal kwytgeraak, wil ek verduidelik dat drome, of dan verbeeldingsvlugte, dalk kan help om ‘n mens se gees uit die depressiewe situasie uit te lig; en jou aandag op iets anders wat positief is, kan vestig. Dit is dalk ‘n goeie gedagte om ‘n groepie belangstellendes bymekaar te bring met die doel om in mekaar se drome te deel, sodat idees wat daaruit voortspruit ontgin kan word? By voorbeeld: Ek het ‘n manuskrip en dalk is daar iemand wat wel ter tale is en daarna wil kyk met die doel om my te help om dit gepubliseer te kry. Net so, sal elkeen by die groep kan baat vind.

    Reply
    Salome
    2011/04/13 at 9:25 vm Edit # Anton, weet nie of dit heeltemal is wat jy soek nie maar dag ek sal dit noem: Lapa bied skryfskole aan – die ideale plek om in kontak te kom met ‘n groep mense wat ook in skryf belang stel
    As daar ‘n paar mense is wat saam wil droom kan ons op hierdie blog ‘n aparte bladsy skep – waar julle dan as platvorm kan gebruik? Dit oorkom die feit dat die lede van die blog oor die land versprei is.
    Ander idees?

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